the worst part is over -i think- and i decided to finally start writing. have been thinking about this for a while now but never had the energy nor the proper motivation to get going.
well, here it is.
it’s the middle of the night, my foot is throbbing somewhat badly (thanks Friday,13th) and i can’t seem to be able to get tired enough to shut my brain off… or don’t i want to? not sure. maybe it’s just time… for… ?!
it’s been a straining couple of years and i think i’m just now trying to see and analyze it all… though i will probably never be able to grasp it fully. processing is the magic word, is it not? pffft, as if it was that easy.
i am thankful for the wake-up call at the beginning of this year, not sure where i would have been without it. probably buried under a huge pile of crap, still running in circles, wondering where i’ll be able to find the exit. sometimes we need that huge hammer, or we will never stop. i’m happy it struck me fully in the face (no, not literally).
it’s utterly fascinating to be able to open your eyes for the first time and realize that you’ve been blind your whole life. and a bit frustrating, too. a friend of mine said, ” Be happy it took you only 29 years, most people will never get there!”, but all i could think was, “Awesome, so many years wasted.”
typical. negativity is my oldest friend and it’s hard to let him go, though i have to admit i like my new friend a lot better.
i still catch myself wanting to fall back into old patterns now and then… it’s hard to stay constantly aware of what you’re doing, what you’re saying, what you’re thinking, but it is so worth the effort. and when you actually do it… restrain yourself and keep your mouth shut, the results are astonishing. happiness costs. but it doesn’t matter as long as it’s properly invested.
it’s funny how we can go for so long without realizing we’re constantly overstepping boundaries, constantly “whoring” ourselves out emotionally… and for what? to be seen? to be noticed? to be accepted? bullshit.
society doesn’t have the best effect on you when it comes to developing your character. too many false role models. too many messed up people trying to raise children.
your parents were raised in a certain way – their parents’ own messed up way – and if you’re not smart or lucky enough to realize what’s going on, you’ll adopt the patterns your parents pushed you into and take them on as your own. brain jumble programmed. another zombie added to the treadmill of society. you buy your big TV, your brand new car, your fancy phone and big house… constantly trying to fill the big void inside you, but never succeeding.
why? easy… it’s not what you need… only what you think you need.
luckily, more and more people are starting to wake up, to leave their stupor, looking for more… it is amazing to see. they always seem to find you, too. like there’s a radar for this sort of thing, or a tiny display implanted in your forehead, telling people, “Yep, this one thinks outside the box, too”.
the other day i found an article about people fearing a Zombie Apocalypse in Dec 2012… honestly people, what do you think we already have?! do me a favor and count the people you encounter staring at their iPhones, not noticing any of their surroundings next time you’re in the city. we already got the full Zombie Walk going on, nothing to fear there. so let’s all hope for the better.
a very dear friend of mine who has been long absent was brought back to life a couple of days ago. i’m writing it in italic because i’m not really sure where he’s at yet. i can’t say he was the initiation of my process, but i can say he made me think… and see… a lot. how much i missed him. still do, actually, because whoever came back, i can only see fragments of his former self right now, which i loved so much. i hope he will find it again. it would be a shame if it was lost to this world.
i am so thankful to have him back and i have to restrain myself not to overwhelm him with too much attention – he needs to
recover arrive first, and i don’t know how long this process will take. i just hope it actually is a process?! will have to see. he’s strong, so i have to trust him.
it seems that this is it for tonight… rereading it, i want to say
holy crap (no cursing in public) for all the random things i wrote here, but i can say it definitely sent my mind into sleepy mode, so i must have done something right.
new beginnings i hope for.
glad to have you back.